The bed you made...

Recently I was working with a client (I'll call him Jacob)who was in the process of divorce. It was a familiar scenario to many I've heard in the past and that's why I felt this would be a good story to share.

Jacob told me his love story and it's eventual demise. He and his wife had married young and had practically grown up together. They each came from broken homes and were very familiar with each other's family histories. He said he fell in love with her immediately and thought they'd grow old together - unlike the pattern in their original families. Jacob stressed how he never wanted to put his children through the pain of divorce that he had suffered, yet it was happening anyway.

Jacob admitted that he had made the typical mistakes of a young married man in that he spent too much time working to increase their wealth and not enough time paying attention to his wife on a personal level. He worked two jobs and renovated their fixer-upper home in his spare time. His new wife also worked full-time and attended school. He said he thought he was doing the right things in providing for them and trying to make their home a nicer place. They had all the nice toys a young couple could want. He admitted he never asked her what she needed from him, he just assumed all was well.

Thirteen years and three children later she told Jacob she was done with their marriage and there was nothing he could do to undo all she felt he had ruined. He claimed she listed one offense after another dating back to the beginning of the marriage. He stated, "I was flabbergasted because I couldn't even remember half of what she said I had said to her that hurt her feelings. I wish she had told me then and I would have fixed it." Apparently, one of the offenses was that he had told her she'd better never get fat. He admitted that he probably made that insensitive statement within the first two years of their marriage when he was young and stupid. He said he'd never say that now, but she holds it against him as if he just did.

The couple attended several couple's therapy sessions in the past year, but she conveyed to him in their last session together that there was no hope in saving the marriage no matter how hard he tried. It's true that he couldn't fix their marriage all by himself and it seemed obvious that she wasn't willing to take ownership for her own mistakes. At that point in our session, he teared up as he said to me that he never got a chance to say what he wanted to her. He wanted to tell her that he loved her more than anything and was willing to do anything to make her happy again. He wanted them to grow old together and be grandparents. It never got said because she made it clear on that day that she was already gone.

I have interviewed many elderly, married couples over the years who have stressed to me that the secret to their lasting relationship is forgiveness and fortitude. One couple said they live by the sage counsel handed down to them by their grandparents, "You made your bed and now you have to lie in it. It's your responsibility make it work for yourselves and for your families." I know this sounds rigid, but I have to agree with the exception of extenuating circumstances.

Truthfully, we all, men and women, make stupid mistakes within our relationships. We make insensitive and hurtful statements and act out our most selfish and bad behaviors with each other. The keys are to call each other out on it (in an adult manner), work diligently at adjusting our own behaviors, live in the present, let the past be the past, and encourage growth as individuals and as a couple.

Before considering divorce, ask yourself if there's really anything that can't be rectified or forgiven? Will the grass really be greener on the other side? Is the financial havoc worth it? If you have children, is it worth their emotional well-being?

The bed you made may be messy, but lie in it, even wrestle in it until you find the position that you fit.