It's All In How You Think About It

On a daily basis I work with people who may be experiencing a wide range of emotions that are troubling for them. One of the methods I like to use when helping people is called the ABC's. It's from Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy developed by Dr. Albert Ellis. In the ABC's, the A represents an event/incident, B represents the belief about the event, and C represents the consequence or feeling that is the result.

Most people believe when a boy/girlfriend breaks up with us that we feel bad because of the actual break-up (A). Rather, it's the belief we may hold that we are somehow worthless or unloveable (B) that causes the feeling of rejection(C). This belief or self-perception of being unloveable takes over our thinking. The next thing we know we're lying on the couch watching "I Love Lucy" re-runs and eating a quart of Rocky Road ice cream.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could change that damaging belief so we could skip the re-runs and extra five pounds? Guess what? It can be done!

How I think(B) about an event/experience(A) will determine how I feel(C) about it. The way I feel about it will dictate how I respond. For instance, if I see a bowl of spinach and believe it's evil, then I'll be scared of it and possibly run away or scream at the sight of it. You, however, believe the spinach is wholesome and good for you, so you sit down and eat it, much to my horror!

Now, if I were to take into consideration your reaction, I might begin to question my own reaction to the spinach. Where did I get the idea the spinach was evil? Did my family hold this belief and pass it on to me? If you eat the spinach and don't die or become possessed by the devil, then what does that mean about my belief system regarding the evilness of spinach? It means that the evidence I've just witnessed has shattered my particular belief and I have to take into consideration that my belief is false. My next encounter with spinach will be less upsetting to me as a result of this change in my belief system.

Therefore, after a breakup with a boyfriend, I can take a poll of my friends and family who will provide me with evidence that I'm still worthy and loveable. I may still feel sad at the loss of the relationship, but I don't have to maintain the damaging belief that I'm unworthy because the evidence just doesn't prove it. I can get up off the couch and put the Rocky Road back in the fridge because I'm really alright.

Change the way you think about the situation/person/event and you'll change the way you feel about it!

My favorite relationship book...

A couple of years ago, one of my colleagues recommended I read a book titled, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. I am always eager to find books that help me both work with my clients and give them something to read and study themselves.

I was pleasantly surprised at how easy Mr. Chapman's concepts are to understand and apply to yourself and your whole family. According to Chapman, there are five love languages:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

The key is discovering your primary love language and that of your significant other and even your children. You begin to understand yourself and how you relate to others.

For example, after my son was born, I couldn't understand why I felt so unloved and unhappy. My husband was on the fast track up the corporate ladder and I was at home mastering baby-speak. Suddenly, we were like complete strangers to each other and we had no idea how to communicate across the huge rift that mysteriously developed between us. We didn't know that we need to or even how to renegotiate the original terms of our relationship. So we suffered through years of fighting using languages that we didn't understand.

When I read this book, I discovered that my primary love language is Quality Time. If my husband doesn't take the time to sit down and talk with me and listen to me (without his eyes glazing over), then I feel unloved and that I'm not important to him. My husband discovered his love language to be Physical Touch. He feels loved when I hold his hand or touch his shoulder when I pass by him in the kitchen. Our relationship has improved immensely because we now know what is important to each other. Instead of spinning our wheels doing other things that don't work, we concentrate on using the specific love language that does work. And, when I start feeling unloved, I have the vocabulary to request what I am missing.

This works with children as well. Recently, my husband and I attended our son's open house at school. We met my son's teacher and she asked my husband what he thought motivated our son. My husband stated that our son is motivated by competition and doesn't like to lose. He proceeded to tease my son, in front of the new teacher, about being so competitive. I could see my son's face start to crumple and tears appeared in his eyes. His father's words hurt him to the core even though my husband meant no harm at all. In fact, my husband is exactly the same about competition and that is why he was teasing about it. He quickly apologized to our son and explained that he admired that competitive drive. I realized in that moment that my son's love language is Words of Affirmation! I remembered that he often compliments and is quick to encourage those around him. What you naturally do for others is a big clue to what is important to you.

So, in light of that, I recommend that you read The Five Love Languages. Many of my clients report that they have found it to be a helpful resource for them. One of the husbands I worked with exclaimed to me, "I'm going to buy a box of these and hand them out for Christmas!" I hope you find it as helpful as he did.

Here are more books by Gary Chapman:

Kids need rules

For several years, I worked as a clinician in an agency that served adolescents who had substance abuse and behavior problems. I used to lie awake nights trying to figure out a way to reach these kids. Eventually, I realized that I could only do so much and the real work had to be done at home by their parents.


The following is probably the most important advice I could stress to parents:


Children/adolescents need consistent and specific rules to follow. They inherently want to know where the boundaries are with their parents. Yes, they will push those boundaries and break a rule here and there, but setting the rules and boundaries tells them that they are loved and that you care about them.


I have worked with hundreds of adolescents. Those with the worst behavior problems had parents who didn't provide any rules or expectations. Or, the rules were inconsistent. Many of those children expressed that they felt like no one really cared about them. This message equates to feeling unloved and unwanted.


Adolescents like to act like they know everything, but underneath all the bravado they really want a strong parent to guide them. So, don't be afraid! Sit your child/adolescent down and tell him/her what you expect and make a list of the house rules together. Follow that up with a list of consequences if those rules are broken. Keep the lists short and specific so no one feels overwhelmed or confused.

Remember, it takes time and practice to learn bad habits and it will take the same amount of time, if not a little more, to unlearn them and replace the bad habits with good ones. Be consistent and patient. This will speak volumes of love and caring to your kids. Granted, they may not thank you or appreciate what you are doing right away, but some day they will. Most likely, when they have kids of their own.