I was pleasantly surprised at how easy Mr. Chapman's concepts are to understand and apply to yourself and your whole family. According to Chapman, there are five love languages:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
The key is discovering your primary love language and that of your significant other and even your children. You begin to understand yourself and how you relate to others.
For example, after my son was born, I couldn't understand why I felt so unloved and unhappy. My husband was on the fast track up the corporate ladder and I was at home mastering baby-speak. Suddenly, we were like complete strangers to each other and we had no idea how to communicate across the huge rift that mysteriously developed between us. We didn't know that we need to or even how to renegotiate the original terms of our relationship. So we suffered through years of fighting using languages that we didn't understand.
When I read this book, I discovered that my primary love language is Quality Time. If my husband doesn't take the time to sit down and talk with me and listen to me (without his eyes glazing over), then I feel unloved and that I'm not important to him. My husband discovered his love language to be Physical Touch. He feels loved when I hold his hand or touch his shoulder when I pass by him in the kitchen. Our relationship has improved immensely because we now know what is important to each other. Instead of spinning our wheels doing other things that don't work, we concentrate on using the specific love language that does work. And, when I start feeling unloved, I have the vocabulary to request what I am missing.
This works with children as well. Recently, my husband and I attended our son's open house at school. We met my son's teacher and she asked my husband what he thought motivated our son. My husband stated that our son is motivated by competition and doesn't like to lose. He proceeded to tease my son, in front of the new teacher, about being so competitive. I could see my son's face start to crumple and tears appeared in his eyes. His father's words hurt him to the core even though my husband meant no harm at all. In fact, my husband is exactly the same about competition and that is why he was teasing about it. He quickly apologized to our son and explained that he admired that competitive drive. I realized in that moment that my son's love language is Words of Affirmation! I remembered that he often compliments and is quick to encourage those around him. What you naturally do for others is a big clue to what is important to you.
Here are more books by Gary Chapman:
