Acts of Kindness

Most counselors will agree that the married couples we see on average usually seek counseling for the same reasons albeit the details of the circumstances may differ slightly. Some of those reasons tend to be feelings of betrayal, disconnectedness, boredom, and loneliness.

When we originally were attracted to our mates, we were attentive, open, caring, giving, and thoughtful of their needs. We went out of our way to make sure our significant other knew we loved them as often as possible. But, then marriage comes and babies and life. Now we are more focused on the children, work, the household, bills, plumbing problems,etc. When was the last time you said "I love you" out of the blue or gave a funny greeting card just because? I bet it's been a long time.

Think about how you treat your friends? You call your best friend on the phone daily to just say "hi." But, you call your spouse only when you need an errand run for you. When friends come over to visit, you hide all the clutter in the closet and make a special dinner just for them. Your spouse comes home and you get mad because he/she wasn't there all day to help clean up and then he/she expects dinner. How backwards is this?

Familiarity breeds contempt doesn't it? Think about how nice we are to our friends and even strangers, but how thoughtless and mean we can be to our own spouses. What if we used some of that kindness on our spouses instead? What if we could remember to treat our spouses like they were friends instead of the enemy? Isn't that what we strive for in life, to pick a life long mate who we can sit on the front porch with and share our most sacred thoughts, past regrets, future hopes and dreams?

Mutual respect and friendship are the most valuable benefits of marriage. Yet, we destroy them and then wonder why our sex life has diminished and loneliness and despair prevails. Repairing a relationship isn't as hard as we make it out to be. Little acts of kindness go a long way in building the love connection we all crave.

The Wisdom of the Rooms - Book Review

I just read a new book,The Wisdom of the Rooms, by Michael Z. It's a wonderful book of weekly reflections with inspiring messages that can apply to anyone and everyone whether you have an addiction problem or not.

One of my favorite quotes from this book is "there are no victims, only volunteers - you always have a choice." How many of us have become victims in our lives at one time or another and voluntarily give up our power to a harmful vice, situation, or another person? Michael Z's words help us to hold the mirror up and face the truth so that we know it's in our power to choose differently.

Another favorite quote is "my mind is like a bad neighborhood - I don't go in it alone." This made me laugh out loud because there are days when I'm obsessed with my own disturbing thoughts and it would be better for me to get out of my own head, or take a muscle bound friend in with me to beat down the monsters!

So, I'm recommending this as a MUST READ! It's simple, yet chock full of wisdom in every room. Also, check out his website at www.theWisdomoftheRooms.com for more of his weekly quotes.

Nature vs. Nurture?

For several years I have been interested in criminal psychology and have pondered whether people are born "bad" or created by their environment. One of my guilty pleasures is reading psychological thrillers and one of my favorite authors of that genre is Jonathan Kellerman. However, lately I have been even more intrigued with the idea of nature vs. nurture. I've been reading "Evil Genes" by Barbara Oakley as well as another book about the personality similarites of several infamous serial killers. Both authors discuss the possibilities how "bad" people become the way that they are and the impact on society.

I have to admit that I am wondering why I'm so fascinated with this subject. But, I think that it boils down to wanting to understand the workings of the human mind and determining how much control, if any, we truly have over our emotions, personalities, reactions, good/bad behaviors, etc. It seems that we like to believe that we are such unique individuals in control of who we are and what we do; and, yet also like to attribute so much of our makeup to Aunt Jean or Great-Granpa Albert. How is it that most of us are driven to be good people and have such loud consciences that we can't possibly ignore? Yet, there are also those people in the world who couldn't care less about harming others and go out of their way to do so. Are we born with this or did we learn it from Uncle Pete?

The evidence seems to be some combination of the two, nature vs nurture, that make us who we are. Some people seem to be genetically pre-disposed to rage, poor judgment, and limited conscience. Add to that a dysfunctional family environment and a time bomb is created amongst us. The challenge is how do we recognize them before they wreak havoc on our society.

It's All In How You Think About It

On a daily basis I work with people who may be experiencing a wide range of emotions that are troubling for them. One of the methods I like to use when helping people is called the ABC's. It's from Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy developed by Dr. Albert Ellis. In the ABC's, the A represents an event/incident, B represents the belief about the event, and C represents the consequence or feeling that is the result.

Most people believe when a boy/girlfriend breaks up with us that we feel bad because of the actual break-up (A). Rather, it's the belief we may hold that we are somehow worthless or unloveable (B) that causes the feeling of rejection(C). This belief or self-perception of being unloveable takes over our thinking. The next thing we know we're lying on the couch watching "I Love Lucy" re-runs and eating a quart of Rocky Road ice cream.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could change that damaging belief so we could skip the re-runs and extra five pounds? Guess what? It can be done!

How I think(B) about an event/experience(A) will determine how I feel(C) about it. The way I feel about it will dictate how I respond. For instance, if I see a bowl of spinach and believe it's evil, then I'll be scared of it and possibly run away or scream at the sight of it. You, however, believe the spinach is wholesome and good for you, so you sit down and eat it, much to my horror!

Now, if I were to take into consideration your reaction, I might begin to question my own reaction to the spinach. Where did I get the idea the spinach was evil? Did my family hold this belief and pass it on to me? If you eat the spinach and don't die or become possessed by the devil, then what does that mean about my belief system regarding the evilness of spinach? It means that the evidence I've just witnessed has shattered my particular belief and I have to take into consideration that my belief is false. My next encounter with spinach will be less upsetting to me as a result of this change in my belief system.

Therefore, after a breakup with a boyfriend, I can take a poll of my friends and family who will provide me with evidence that I'm still worthy and loveable. I may still feel sad at the loss of the relationship, but I don't have to maintain the damaging belief that I'm unworthy because the evidence just doesn't prove it. I can get up off the couch and put the Rocky Road back in the fridge because I'm really alright.

Change the way you think about the situation/person/event and you'll change the way you feel about it!

My favorite relationship book...

A couple of years ago, one of my colleagues recommended I read a book titled, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. I am always eager to find books that help me both work with my clients and give them something to read and study themselves.

I was pleasantly surprised at how easy Mr. Chapman's concepts are to understand and apply to yourself and your whole family. According to Chapman, there are five love languages:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

The key is discovering your primary love language and that of your significant other and even your children. You begin to understand yourself and how you relate to others.

For example, after my son was born, I couldn't understand why I felt so unloved and unhappy. My husband was on the fast track up the corporate ladder and I was at home mastering baby-speak. Suddenly, we were like complete strangers to each other and we had no idea how to communicate across the huge rift that mysteriously developed between us. We didn't know that we need to or even how to renegotiate the original terms of our relationship. So we suffered through years of fighting using languages that we didn't understand.

When I read this book, I discovered that my primary love language is Quality Time. If my husband doesn't take the time to sit down and talk with me and listen to me (without his eyes glazing over), then I feel unloved and that I'm not important to him. My husband discovered his love language to be Physical Touch. He feels loved when I hold his hand or touch his shoulder when I pass by him in the kitchen. Our relationship has improved immensely because we now know what is important to each other. Instead of spinning our wheels doing other things that don't work, we concentrate on using the specific love language that does work. And, when I start feeling unloved, I have the vocabulary to request what I am missing.

This works with children as well. Recently, my husband and I attended our son's open house at school. We met my son's teacher and she asked my husband what he thought motivated our son. My husband stated that our son is motivated by competition and doesn't like to lose. He proceeded to tease my son, in front of the new teacher, about being so competitive. I could see my son's face start to crumple and tears appeared in his eyes. His father's words hurt him to the core even though my husband meant no harm at all. In fact, my husband is exactly the same about competition and that is why he was teasing about it. He quickly apologized to our son and explained that he admired that competitive drive. I realized in that moment that my son's love language is Words of Affirmation! I remembered that he often compliments and is quick to encourage those around him. What you naturally do for others is a big clue to what is important to you.

So, in light of that, I recommend that you read The Five Love Languages. Many of my clients report that they have found it to be a helpful resource for them. One of the husbands I worked with exclaimed to me, "I'm going to buy a box of these and hand them out for Christmas!" I hope you find it as helpful as he did.

Here are more books by Gary Chapman: