Redneck Whisperer

There's the Horse Whisperer, the Dog Whisperer, the Sales Whisperer, and now...the Redneck Whisperer!

My husband and I practice a rather disconcerting method of communication. Disconcerting to others, at least. For us, it is just our way. We have been together for most of our lives and have always bantered with teasing and incessant sarcasm. I imagine, to others, that it must sound like we are always on the verge of a major argument, but a major argument between us is rare. We know where the lines are drawn and are usually careful not to cross over. When it does happen we are quick to address it and all is well.

One day, we were bantering about the traditional roles of men vs. women regarding the household chores - an age old argument. I was trying to help him understand that I am tired of working outside the home and doing everything inside the home on top of it. A woman can only do so much before cracking up and I was feeling fairly close to going on a major shopping spree for therapy! So, we were discussing the benefits of his helping out and it went something like this.

Me: "I am feeling overwhelmed lately with the housework and would really appreciate some help from you."

Beloved Spouse: "Uh, huh." As he stares at his computer screen.

Me: "Hello! Did you hear me?" Looking a bit peeved.

Beloved Spouse: Looking up at me finally, "Sure, Honey, what was that again?"

Me: "I said I would really appreciate it if you could start doing your own laundry seeing as how you work from home and all. It would be easier for each of us to do our own laundry and that way you can't complain about the moldy smell when a load gets left in the washer too long. You'll be here to get it done yourself."

Beloved Spouse: "Um, yeah, I guess so. I'm just so busy, though. But, I see what you're saying." He smiles wryly at me then and adds, "Maybe I could get my girlfriend to help me out..."

Me: "Uh, huh. Tell her while she's at it she can do mine, too." Not the least bit phased, "And, maybe I should get out the old iron skillet and knock it upside your cheatin' head." (Imagine what you will.)

Beloved Spouse: "That's my little Redneck Whisperer!"

I have to admit that I like the title! It made me smile and, as I said, all is well. He's doing his own laundry, sort of, and I'm happy with his effort.

What a Woman Wants?

I've been reading a book of essays, Women in a Man's World, Crying, and it is really making me think. Some of the essays are about how women have fought to be equal and the effect it is having on us now - both good and not so good.

I admit to feeling proud of our hard fought almost equality, but also admit to wondering how much good it's done for us in the end. I love being able to have a career, but there are more days now when I would love to just stay home and spend time decorating my home, taking my child to school, picking him up from school, having time to actually fold laundry before putting it away, ect.

Instead, I run to work, work, then run from work to school activites, then to sporting events, making dinner somewhere in between, picking up the living room in between that, and finally climbing into bed to read a good book only to fall asleep in the middle of the third paragraph from exhaustion. The next day looks pretty much the same. I wonder...is this what our predecessors intended?

January Blues

November and December are so full of excitement and activity that January seems almost disappointing once the decorations are down and put away in the attic again. I love all the glitter and shine of the holidays! It makes me smile to walk around the neighborhood and stand in awe of all my neighbors creative accomplishments with blinking lights and Christmas lawn decor. Now, after the 12 days of Christmas are done, all the lawns are bear and rather sad looking.

January is a time for re-evaluating our goals and starting anew. Some of us get overwhelmed with the prospect of it all. We ask ourselves, "What do I want to do differently this year than last?" And, "What is still left undone from my previous list of goals?" It can be enough to make one want to sit down on the couch and escape into M.A.S.H. or I Love Lucy reruns.

I've read a few articles and blogs lately where people are touting "unresolutions" instead of resolutions. I'm on board with that line of thinking. It certainly makes it easier to talk about what you won't do (inertia) versus what you will do (take action). People seem to naturally lean towards inertia for some reason. I have to work hard to convince my clients to concentrate on what they can do. But, what if not doing something is a good thing and leads to something positive. I suppose it's all in how you look at it, right?

Let's make it a game! I'll start.

I will not clean up my son's room for him just because I can't stand it anymore.
I will not waste my mind or time watching silly TV shows when I could be reading a good book.
I will not obsess over being disorganized as it's fairly obvious after all these years that organization is just not in my DNA.
I will not miss an opportunity to play boardgames with my family just because the laundry is piled up. (They can help me with it after I've beaten there socks off in Monopoly. I'll even pay them with my fake millions!)
I will not get frustrated about my son's baseball schedule because he's growing up and I will never get this opportunity again.
I will not say "Yes" to things that bring out my passive-aggressive tendencies.

There. Now it's your turn. Happy New Year!

Middle Age

Last month I had the privilege of turning 40 years old. Most of my friends also turned 40 this year, so together we have crossed over the invisible line into middle agedom. Although, all of my older friends asure me that 40 is really the new 30-blah, blah, blah. It all seems a thinly veiled ploy to convince new 40 somethings that we are not really aging.

However, as I sat on the floor with my 11 year old son this past weekend to play Monopoly, my aching back and knees proclaimed loudly and obnoxiously that I am definitely not 30! Another loud indication that I am no longer 30 occurred when my hairdresser called last night to remind me that I am due for an appointment to cover up my rapidly graying hair. I noticed in recent photos of myself that my once smooth and supple skin is now endowed with fine lines and subtle sags.

Yes, I am 40. There are some negatives to this aging process, no doubt. But, there are also some positives I have been discovering little by little. I am more confident and self-empowered than I was when I was 30. I will shamelessly argue with that 20 year old cosmetic girl who is trying to convince me that I would look good in flourescent, sparkly green eyeshadow! I will boldly make a nasty hand gesture at that 25 year old boy in his souped up mustang who thinks I'm not driving fast enough and dare him to hit me because I know I have better insurance than he does. Being 40also means that I can say "NO" to people about things I don't want to do and not have to feel guilty about it. I love that one!

You know what? I think I'm going to like my 40's. The benefits are looking pretty good. Being 40 may bring with it a lot of freedoms that I couldn't comprehend in my earlier years. I'm grieving the inevitable loss of my young face and body, but at least I'm rewarded with a deeper knowledge of who I am on the inside. So, Middle Age, bring it on, I think I'm ready.

The bed you made...

Recently I was working with a client (I'll call him Jacob)who was in the process of divorce. It was a familiar scenario to many I've heard in the past and that's why I felt this would be a good story to share.

Jacob told me his love story and it's eventual demise. He and his wife had married young and had practically grown up together. They each came from broken homes and were very familiar with each other's family histories. He said he fell in love with her immediately and thought they'd grow old together - unlike the pattern in their original families. Jacob stressed how he never wanted to put his children through the pain of divorce that he had suffered, yet it was happening anyway.

Jacob admitted that he had made the typical mistakes of a young married man in that he spent too much time working to increase their wealth and not enough time paying attention to his wife on a personal level. He worked two jobs and renovated their fixer-upper home in his spare time. His new wife also worked full-time and attended school. He said he thought he was doing the right things in providing for them and trying to make their home a nicer place. They had all the nice toys a young couple could want. He admitted he never asked her what she needed from him, he just assumed all was well.

Thirteen years and three children later she told Jacob she was done with their marriage and there was nothing he could do to undo all she felt he had ruined. He claimed she listed one offense after another dating back to the beginning of the marriage. He stated, "I was flabbergasted because I couldn't even remember half of what she said I had said to her that hurt her feelings. I wish she had told me then and I would have fixed it." Apparently, one of the offenses was that he had told her she'd better never get fat. He admitted that he probably made that insensitive statement within the first two years of their marriage when he was young and stupid. He said he'd never say that now, but she holds it against him as if he just did.

The couple attended several couple's therapy sessions in the past year, but she conveyed to him in their last session together that there was no hope in saving the marriage no matter how hard he tried. It's true that he couldn't fix their marriage all by himself and it seemed obvious that she wasn't willing to take ownership for her own mistakes. At that point in our session, he teared up as he said to me that he never got a chance to say what he wanted to her. He wanted to tell her that he loved her more than anything and was willing to do anything to make her happy again. He wanted them to grow old together and be grandparents. It never got said because she made it clear on that day that she was already gone.

I have interviewed many elderly, married couples over the years who have stressed to me that the secret to their lasting relationship is forgiveness and fortitude. One couple said they live by the sage counsel handed down to them by their grandparents, "You made your bed and now you have to lie in it. It's your responsibility make it work for yourselves and for your families." I know this sounds rigid, but I have to agree with the exception of extenuating circumstances.

Truthfully, we all, men and women, make stupid mistakes within our relationships. We make insensitive and hurtful statements and act out our most selfish and bad behaviors with each other. The keys are to call each other out on it (in an adult manner), work diligently at adjusting our own behaviors, live in the present, let the past be the past, and encourage growth as individuals and as a couple.

Before considering divorce, ask yourself if there's really anything that can't be rectified or forgiven? Will the grass really be greener on the other side? Is the financial havoc worth it? If you have children, is it worth their emotional well-being?

The bed you made may be messy, but lie in it, even wrestle in it until you find the position that you fit.