It's All In How You Think About It

On a daily basis I work with people who may be experiencing a wide range of emotions that are troubling for them. One of the methods I like to use when helping people is called the ABC's. It's from Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy developed by Dr. Albert Ellis. In the ABC's, the A represents an event/incident, B represents the belief about the event, and C represents the consequence or feeling that is the result.

Most people believe when a boy/girlfriend breaks up with us that we feel bad because of the actual break-up (A). Rather, it's the belief we may hold that we are somehow worthless or unloveable (B) that causes the feeling of rejection(C). This belief or self-perception of being unloveable takes over our thinking. The next thing we know we're lying on the couch watching "I Love Lucy" re-runs and eating a quart of Rocky Road ice cream.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could change that damaging belief so we could skip the re-runs and extra five pounds? Guess what? It can be done!

How I think(B) about an event/experience(A) will determine how I feel(C) about it. The way I feel about it will dictate how I respond. For instance, if I see a bowl of spinach and believe it's evil, then I'll be scared of it and possibly run away or scream at the sight of it. You, however, believe the spinach is wholesome and good for you, so you sit down and eat it, much to my horror!

Now, if I were to take into consideration your reaction, I might begin to question my own reaction to the spinach. Where did I get the idea the spinach was evil? Did my family hold this belief and pass it on to me? If you eat the spinach and don't die or become possessed by the devil, then what does that mean about my belief system regarding the evilness of spinach? It means that the evidence I've just witnessed has shattered my particular belief and I have to take into consideration that my belief is false. My next encounter with spinach will be less upsetting to me as a result of this change in my belief system.

Therefore, after a breakup with a boyfriend, I can take a poll of my friends and family who will provide me with evidence that I'm still worthy and loveable. I may still feel sad at the loss of the relationship, but I don't have to maintain the damaging belief that I'm unworthy because the evidence just doesn't prove it. I can get up off the couch and put the Rocky Road back in the fridge because I'm really alright.

Change the way you think about the situation/person/event and you'll change the way you feel about it!